A Balancing Act

I have had a stressful few days, and because of it I've eaten like a total pig. I don't regret it or care about it. Today is a new day and I'm sitting here with my empty yogurt and flax seed, sipping on my green tea, getting back on track. I stress eat big time. Luckily, I don't lose my shit and stress as much as I used to. Why so stressed, you ask? Well, if I could be any more pathetic, it's relationship problems.

Now, I will never be totally honest about Rich here. I don't think it's right to bad mouth so I tend to paint my friends and romantic partners in a positive light on the internet. To do otherwise is beneath me, and I refuse to do it. All you need to know is that he is a wonderful man, but there are a few very key ingredients missing in our time together. Things that I can no longer abide by. We're attempting to talk it out and work through it, but in all honesty, I have no idea how it will turn out. Tomorrow, I may just be single. I hope that isn't the case, but I'm just not sure anymore.

I spent so many years demanding that people bend to my needs. I find that it is mighty difficult to find that perfect balance between acceptance of others' faults, and giving up parts of yourself and settling. I refuse to do the latter, and it's beginning to feel like I am. Rich has never been in a real adult relationship and he's 30. I can totally see him making efforts in some areas, and completely ignoring things he needs to do in others. I know he's better than that, but it's not my job to try and push him to be a better person. That's his job.

We had a great talk last night. He came clean about how this relationship scares him. How he's never been with a woman who has had goals and is achieving them. Who makes few demands of him and never raises her voice. This one has been a big issue. When he does something I don't like I just calmly say, "You can not act this way. I don't like it and it makes me feel unappreciated." Then I hug him and go on with having a nice time. I don't believe in passive aggression. I don't believe in staying mad and punishing someone the rest of the evening. I would just be punishing myself if I did that too. I want to enjoy myself. So I think sometimes people don't take me seriously. Like because I'm not screaming and crying I am not serious enough. That's not the case at all. When I scream and lose my shit I give you power over me. I won't allow someone to have that sort of power over me. He has seen me cry once, and it was because of something he did that was thoughtless. That's all you get with me. You get to hurt me a few times before I lay down the law and am done with it. I'm almost to that point.

I find that because I have only just begun to actually feel and deal with emotions on an adult level, I'm learning as I go and because of this, maybe I'm allowing a little bit more negative stuff to go on than I need to. Like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do this. But I really have nothing to prove. All I can do is the best I can do. (When you're an alky like me they say your development stops the moment you pick up a drink and doesn't start to progress again until you stop drinking. I find this to be very true). So mentally I am sometimes a 17 year old. I have this keen sense of fair, and righteous indignation when someone isn't being as kind as I think they need to be. I'm learning to get over it, but it makes me hard to be in a relationship with.

I have very few demands in that I am fine only seeing someone a few days a week. I need to know that if I email or text you, I will get a timely response. This doesn't mean even 10 minutes later. But, you know, within a day is nice. I need you to be on time, or text or call to let me know why you're running late (and that only buys you a couple of passes. It is not okay to ALWAYS be running late. That's just lazy and inconsiderate). I need you to offer to pick up the tab or pay for half the meal here and there. But if we go to a fancy place I wanted to go, and you're broke, I ALWAYS cover the bill no questions asked. That's pretty much it.

To clarify again, this man does a ton of awesome and wonderful things. He is truly a good person. He is just lacking in areas that I definitely need in a partner, none of which I will get in to in depth here. The one demand I do make is that someone makes me feel like I am a priority in their life. That saying that goes, "Never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option" plays over and over in my head right now. If you don't have the strength to admit you need me in your life, then let's just agree to move on. I'm okay with that. At the same time, it is making me incredibly sad.

Happy picture of the day: me skydiving and making metal hands.

This one's for you, Pickleope.

Oh, and thanks so much to Jax over at Raviolis and Waterworks.  She put my blog on her front page reading list. So awesome of her.