MacQue's BBQ

I rarely do single restaurant features but I visited this place on Wednesday for lunch and I thought I needed to give it a shout out. I joined a friend of mine. She owns what is probably the most popular bakery in Sacramento. Someone had told her to go to this place so when she invited me I said, "Heck yes!" We had a great meal and got to talk to the owner at length.

MacQue's is a no nonsense bbq joint with a simple menu. He does ribs, brisket, chicken, hot links, pull pork, and the like. The sides are all down home too: mac and cheese, greens, rolls, and muffins. It is located in an industrial part of South Sacramento in a non-descript strip warehouse area that we almost missed. But good lord almighty am I glad we didn't. We shared a half slab of pork ribs, a beef brisket sandwich, mac and cheese, and greens. It was finger lickin' good. Seriously, best ribs I've had in a very long time. I don't eat bbq often, but every few months when I decide to, I'm going back to MacQue's.

The owner was talking about how lately they've seen a 20% decline in business. He has lived in town for over 45 years, and has had the business for about 26. It's the places like these that I want to get everyone out supporting. So many people won't leave the "grid" to support real family owned amazing joints like MacQue's. We need to fix this.

He has quite an extensive knowledge about the food scene in the area. We talked about some our favorite old places that are declining or closing as the kids of the original owners let the places go to pot. He himself encouraged his son to get an education, so now his son doesn't want to come back and work the 16 hour days it takes to run a successful restaurant. I thought that was a shame. I encouraged him to find someone who loved the place who he could train to take over. It would be a cryin' ass shame to see this place go away. So many of my favorite small places have been going the way of the dinosaur lately.

So if you live in the Sacramento area, or if you are planning a visit, stop by MacQue's. Tell him the lady who was fond of Zelda's, and Palermo who came with Marlene sent ya. You will not be disappointed.

I was excited to hear that even though the restaurant business is going down, his bbq sauce line is doing awesome. It's good sauce. Here is a link to their site where pretty soon you can order the sauce online: MacQue's BBQ

It is really important to me that we keep places like this doing well and support the folks who have been feeding people for decades around town. Please support MacQue's. Not like after you see a picture like the one below, you really need my convincing.

Source

Boundary Testing

For most of my sobriety I was fully convinced I was an alcoholic. I was convinced that what everyone told me was true: I could never drink again. I had a disease. If I picked up a drink I would have twenty and be right back where I was on March 14, 2009. Well, good old Melanie isn't one to swallow dogma so she is testing her boundaries.

A little over a month ago I decided to have a cocktail while at a tiki bar in Alameda. I had one, and it was delicious. I didn't want more. It was weird. I was conflicted. I had been thinking in my head for quite some time before I even took that first drink, "I am going to try it. And if it makes me want to get wasted, I'll just know AA was right."

We went to a dive bar a week or so later and I had a cocktail, and then a beer. I strangely enough didn't want to close the bar down or drink shots. I wondered in my head if I was just fooling myself. This is how normal people drink. This is not how Melanie drinks.

I've been out and had cocktails a few times since. I've had a glass of wine with dinner on several occasions. I've had a glass of wine while watching trash tv.

I can not say with certainty that I won't progress in to having a problem again. It was beaten in to my head pretty hard that once you are a problem drinker, that is your lot in life. I believed it for quite some time. Then I stopped believing it as I saw women with many years sober who were still really bitter, and unhappy people. I believe that if you really look inward and handle your shit, and develop coping mechanisms you lacked when you were drinking excessively, it is highly likely you can enjoy a cocktail like a normal human being. I'm not saying everyone can, I'm just saying I bet some people can. Maybe I'm not one of them. That remains to be seen.

I know myself well enough, and I'm self aware enough to know if I ever get to a point where I want a shot of whiskey or I want to get obliterated, I need to figure out why before I act on it. I don't think at my age it is appropriate to get "wasted." If you do, that's fine and dandy, I'm just not interested. I spent half of the week every week of my life wasted, for years. I am in no way interested in drinking like that anymore.

So in the interest of being honest I wanted to put it out there. Not talking about it almost felt like a lie. Not that I owe it to anyone to explain my life choices. But for now, this is what I'm doing. I'm enjoying doing it. It isn't scaring me. I haven't gotten drunk and I have no desire to. I hope it stays that way. I like granny drinks like a vodka collins or a whiskey sour. I really hope that in my journey to become the best Melanie I can be, I have made it to the point where I can enjoy an adult beverage, and not have to use them to escape or not deal with my life.

Happy picture of the day: my new coffee table book. It's nifty!

I Am Different

I am reminded by others on almost a daily basis how truly different I operate from most people. For many years, I thought the way I operated was wrong. I thought that surely, since most people were not like me, I should be ashamed and try to acclimate and make myself more palpable to the masses. Once I realized that was not even a possibility, I went in to a shame spiral. A spiral I very recently came out of, and one I struggle daily to acknowledge I don't need to go back to.

Most people need constant reassurance they are doing something right. I would just like a reminder every now and again that I am appreciated. Since I grew up in a household full of negative reinforcement, it is one of the things that to this day sends me in to a tailspin. I am thankful to all of you blog ladies who let me know I make a difference in your life. I appreciate it more than you could ever know. If I could get you all in one room I would cry and give you all big hugs and tell you you're amazing. Since I can't do that I'll just do so here.

I want everyone to feel accomplished. I want to search for a solution when there's a problem. I want people to go home and be happy that what they have done that day was good. I feel like most people act as if they want the opposite. Most people want to belittle. Most want to try and exert force and dominance over others. They don't realize that this is really cowardice, and not the strength they feel like it is.

I am a powerful woman. For many years I was made to feel like I should not be. Like I should quiet my voice so my tone didn't offend others. Like I should dress in a more feminine way because then I would not be viewed as such a challenge. There are days when someone says one thing and I am shot right back to little girl Melanie who feels very small. I have to go for a walking meditation and remember that I am not her. I am a good person. I am okay just the way I am. No one should be able to make me feel less than.

I very much resent the people who talk down to me and others. I take it personally when someone bullies someone who can not defend themselves. I sometimes can not hold my tongue when I see someone being treated unfairly. Even though I know it is not my job to right all of the wrongs, I know for a fact that I will ALWAYS try and right some of them. I have to try. Even if I fail every time.

So today I know that I am different. I do not need to see something being done incorrectly and say, "You're doing it wrong!" I do not need to prove that I knew a fact that someone did not. I use these things as both a teaching, but also a learning moment. I need to practice humility. I need to realize that I am lucky to have knowledge that some others do not. There is no winner in the game of life. I hope I never forget this. And I hope and pray that everyone can get to a point where they like themselves enough to want to build others up, rather than tear them down. Because as tough as I am, today they are trying to tear me down. And I cried a little, and I got angry more than a little, and then I remembered I am the master of my feelings. I refuse to let anyone make me feel less than.

Happy picture of the day: this is Roxy resting on the pinball game. I love when she rests like this with one paw under her face. It makes her have a strange human quality. Every time I see her like this, I fall in love with her a little bit more.

Getting My Mind Off Of Stuff

I've gotten pretty good at cheering myself up rather quickly. The blue days are few and far between, and the ones I can't kick and have to ride out are REALLY few and far between. By the time I posted my post yesterday (which I had written Sunday) I no longer felt that way, and I was back in hopeful awesome girl mode.

This is my dilemna with the blog. I often write things that are totally how I feel at that moment, and then by the time they go up things have completely changed. It's nice but I'm sure it's also quite confusing. I am just a god damned rainbow wrapped in a ball of sunshine. What can I say?

I am back to being excited about life and all of the opportunities it has to offer. I am going to have a lot of girl nights, and a few more dates, and maybe I'll meet someone awesome. Maybe I won't. Either way it really doesn't matter. What matters is all of the good stuff. So here are all the things in short order I'm grateful for today.

-I got to see my friend Patrick on Sunday and give him a huge hug. He told me it was good to see me and that he missed me. We live close but we're both super busy so this is the first Patrick hug I've gotten in about a year.

-I got to go out with my friend Raylynn who just got back in to town on Saturday. We hung out at a biker bar and laughed and had so much fun. I really needed that.

-I am broke right now, but it's because I'm penny pinching to save up for a trip to New Orleans. I am blessed enough that I get to go to New Orleans. A trip my mom completely footed the bill for with money she got from my gma passing. I am trying not to focus on how this will be my first birthday without gram. The first one where I can't call her and tell her what color Fiestaware set I need for my birthday. I am grateful I get to stay in a fancy hotel on her dime. I usually stay at cheap places. So thanks gram. You're still being awesome from the beyond.

-I have kitties I adore, who no matter what I do tend to find something to tear up. I am thankful I can laugh it off instead of getting so frustrated I want to get rid of them.

-I have awesome hair. No seriously, my hair deserves to be on this list.

-I got some new books on Sunday. One on 50s design, one biography of Charles Bukowski, and one erotic cookbook I got as a joke to put on my coffee table. I laughed so hard at the recipes and pictures in the book I had to have it. I couldn't pass it up. It's ri dick ulous.

-The weather is badass in my part of the world right now.

-My friend brought me hecka loot from her garden on Friday. I have all kinds of tomatoes, sunburst squash, green onions, eight ball squash, and some other stuff. I am gonna gobble up some purple or blue tomatoes tonight with my salmon.

-Today I am hopeful about life. I like that I'm so cheery and I don't mind that it annoys the crotchedy folk.

-I am spreading the word about getting a new job, because my boss said something Friday that made me really want to lash out, but I didn't. Today I am grateful that I can hold my tongue.

That's about it for me today. I'm just really happy that the sad day is over and that I get to wake up and start over all the time. I like do overs.

Happy picture of the day: all of the awesome veggies my friend brought me. Beautiful!

Today, I Am Thinking Too Much

So I had a date yesterday with a sweet, kind, cute fellow. But he lives two hours away and has his daughters every weekend, so there's no way in hell it would work out. I guess I should start asking about people's custody arrangements before I agree to meet them. Because it just makes it really hard when you meet someone you like, and know that feasibly there's no way you can make anything of it. When he left I had dinner and was fine, then an hour later I was sitting and crying, wondering why I am doing this.

I am a lot more sensitive than I'd care to admit. I care deeply and empathetically. I get hurt and I don't bounce back as quickly as I'd like to. I am still stinging from the break up with Dave. I am still a little destroyed that I finally got to spend time with someone I truly liked, only to have it ripped away so briskly. It's like someone dangled a carrot, or something far more tasty, then ripped it away laughing like, "Nope, Melanie. You can't be happy. This just isn't for you." And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I just want it to go away. Right now, right this moment, I'm more than a touch devastated.

I know that Dave is not right for me and it's not even that I want him back or wish it would've worked out. And it's not that I don't cherish when I'm single. I'm good single. But once, just once, I wish I could meet someone and it just WORKS OUT RIGHT. Why does everything in my life have to be so damned complicated? I simplify, and downsize, and meditate, and life just stays so very complicated and confusing.

So just for this moment, I crave something to just fall in to place. I know that my fortitude and strength were forged from struggle. I know these ups and downs, and trials make me strong and make me who I am. But sometimes, just for once, I wish that something good would happen with little to no effort on my part. Like it seems to happen for so many other people. I often wonder why I was put on this earth just to go through pain and strife time and time again. But I'd honestly rather put myself out there and get hurt over and over and over, than put up walls or give up.

But today, just for this moment, I am surrendering. I have another date on Friday, then I'm going to step back and have some real time for me. I am going to remember what life was like when I didn't so desperately want to be in love. When being single was fun and carefree and I could just go out with my friends and the subject of men didn't even come up. I need to go back there for a while I think.

I am going to keep my profile up but I am not going to make any effort to contact new people. I will continue to talk with the people I am, and I will respond to new contacts, but that's all the energy I have in me right now. I am not defeated, but I am a little deflated. I need a me break. I need to concentrate on getting back to carefree and awesome Melanie. I'm not her right now. I need her back tremendously.

This post has been brought to you by the folks of the emo Melanie corporation. They will be going out of business quickly, we hope.

Happy picture of the day: My new hair. You can't see the woven purple in my bangs and sides, but I adore it. It is one hell of a sassy 'do.

Sunshine Blogger Award

Thanks to Roe over at My Upside Down Life for awarding me the sunshine blogger award. I am honored and feel so loved every time I get one of these little dandies. As usual I will break every rule except linking back to her, and answering the questions. You all know if I follow your blogs, I think you're amazing and wonderful.

The Rules:
1. Include award logo in a post or on your blog page.
2. Answer (10) questions about yourself (oh God, not again!!!).
3. Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers.
4. Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.
5. Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

Ten Questions and Answers:
1. What would you most like to change about yourself?
I would like a new job, and new shorter hair. I'm working on the first, and the second will be accomplished this Saturday at noon.

2. What is your theme song?
Don't hate me because I'm Joe Esposito-ful. You're The Best. (I don't know why the underline in that link won't show, but if you click on the words "You're The Best" you're in for a treat).

3. One part of your life, a memory, action, etc. that you wish you could surgically remove from your brain?
I know this is a really hippie thing to say, but nothing. Everything that happened to me brought me to where I am today. I've suffered a lot, seen a lot of friends die, and been through shit most people would like to forget. But I don't ever want to forget lest I sink back in to old terrible behavior.

4. What generation do you wish you had been a part of?
That is really easy: the 50s and 60s. The music, the design, all of it. I would like to at least like to go back and visit. But the role of women back then wouldn't have set too keen in my life. So I don't think I'd want to be a real part of that time in history.

5. What was your favorite childhood toy?
My talking Alf doll. Thinking back he said really inappropriate shit they wouldn't get away with a doll saying nowadays. I wish I still had it.

6. What is your favorite housecleaning chore?
Doing dishes, and vacuuming.

7. Do you Twitter?
Nope. I don't tweet. I rarely twat. But sometimes I'm a twit.

8. Any goals?
Get a promotion within the next year. Get some work done on my yards so I have actual live grass. Put in a backyard pizza oven and a one lane lap pool.

9. Do you really drink margaritas all the time?
Are there people who drink margaritas all the time? I want to hang out with them. Especially if they put umbrellas in them.

10. *This question was missing from the blog site that gave me the Sunshine Award, so I'm just going to make up one of my own.* ( I'm going to go with the same question here )
What is one historical figure you'd like to hang out with for the day?
Why did I give myself such a hard question? There are a ton. But I'd have to say Molly Ivins. Her sharp wit is so impressive, and I actually cried the day she died. Huge loss for the world.

July Movies

I watched a ton and actually saw quite a few I really liked. Here is a short list of a few I would recommend.

My Week With Marilyn - A lot of people claimed this movie was boring. But I love history pieces and I'm fascinated with her life, so I was enthralled. I thought it was very well acted and a great movie.

Faubourg Treme - Great documentary about the Treme neighborhood of New Orleans. Very interesting historical facts. I learned a lot, and it got me even more excited about my upcoming trip.

L'Amour Fou - A documentary about the relationship between fashion designer Yves Saint-Laurent and his lover, Pierre Berge. A touching documentary and a great peep in to the life of one of my favorite designers.

Lost In Translation - Watched this again for the first time in years. I forgot how touching of a story it was. I adore Bill Murray so that helps as well.

Vito - A documentary about gay rights activist Vito Russo. A really great delving look in to the problems faced trying to unite the gay community so that they all stood up together instead of being divided amongst the drag queens, transgendered, lesbians, and gay men. Really thought provoking and a great watch.

Boy A - A fantastic movie about a boy who murdered a child, when he was a child, and his attempt at a second chance. Really makes you feel like some people do deserve one, even if society doesn't believe so. At what point is a childhood mistake and something done irrationally, something someone can rehabilitate from?

Jeff, Who Lives At Home - I think Jason Segel is really underrated. This is a great film about a seemingly directionless pothead loser, who literally lives in his mother's basement. Great subplots with Susan Sarandon who plays his mother, and Ed Helms who plays his brother. Actually, the brother one is really part of the main plot. Often times cute, and makes you really uncomfortable at others. I loved this movie.

So there we go kids. Those are the movies I would recommend you see if you haven't yet, that I watched in July.