Road Rage

I gots it!

Well, in truth I have a terrible temper, period, but I've been able in the past few years to meditate and keep it under control. I don't lose my shit like I used to. Until I'm behind the wheel of a car that is. Driving is the one place where I will yell like a mad woman and curse people's names, wishing them great bodily harm. My passengers are alarmed that I'm a car yeller. I only honk when it's to avoid an accident or if someone cuts me off badly and I need them to realize, "Hey, you almost hit someone 'cause you weren't paying attention." I like to scream and cuss at the people who don't drive perfectly, like I do.

If someone pulls out in front of me and I can tell it was an accident and they make that, "Oh man, I'm so sorry" face, I'm good. Stuff happens. I have been known to stop at a light completely blocking a parking lot exit only to look right and mouth, "I'm a crappy human, sorry." But if someone is texting, or just driving like an ass, I seriously get the urge to run them off the road. One time a guy sped past me on the freeway in the rain and I actually thought, "I hope that fucker flips his car, but no one else is hurt in the accident but him. And I hope he's not maimed. I just want him to be scared enough that maybe it teaches him a lesson." Even my evil thoughts about others, have a conscience somewhat.

When I was 17 I was driving behind a Corvette. I was in my beater '69 bug with one primer fender. He was going 60 in the fast lane. I edged up close to him to let him know to move over, but by no means hopped on his back bumper. Dude slowed down to 50. Now I was angry. I sped up and ran in to him...on purpose. We slowed down and pulled to the right shoulder of I-5 and he got out of his car all angry-like. I was smiling. I had my insurance info and my license in my hand. He yelled something like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" I said, "I have good insurance. All you needed to do was pull over and get out of my way. Now you have to take your plastic mid-life crisis mobile in to the shop and have it glued back together with ticky tack or whatever they do with fiberglass these days." His face dropped. He was in complete shock. He had lost his attitude very quickly. Now, I know today that it is not my job to teach anyone a lesson, and I could've hurt someone. But I'm not going to lie: in that moment I kind of felt like a superhero. Saving the world from rich douchery, one balding dude at a time!

Another time a lady was riding my ass, on an off ramp, on the way to a red light at the bottom of said off ramp. I don't understand why someone is in such a hurry to get to a red light, that they'd like me to speed up, on my way to stopping. I was doing that oh so weird behavior of you know, slowing down, on my way to a stop light. Well, I got upset so I slammed on my brakes so hard the car skidded. I looked in my rearview mirror and the look of terror on that lady's face, as she struggled not to run in to me was PRICELESS. I'm pretty sure she never rode anyone's ass on the way to a stop light again. I put my hand up and gave her a "Howdy do!" wave. I was an ass. These are not proud moments now, but at the time, I was proud as hell.

Fast forward to today. I don't drive like someone with a point to prove when someone does something lame anymore. I do get really angry at texting drivers. You could kill someone. But I just yell or do a hand gesture like, "Put your fucking phone down jackass!" and carry on.

There are two instances in the past year or so, where I lost it on someone. One was a guy in a flatbed truck in a parking lot. We were both turning left. He was in the outside lane to turn left, and hit my car. He scraped down the side of my car. I jumped out and ran up to his window. The bastard was texting and had no idea he had hit me. I grabbed his phone out of his hand, and threw it in to the middle of the road while yelling, "You are driving a huge vehicle. You could KILL someone. Write a message next time you're at a stoplight if you have to text and drive for Chrissakes!" Then I got back in my car and drove off. The other was yesterday. I was driving home and this woman was barely stopping at stop signs, and almost hit a car going out of turn at one stop sign. She would rev up between blocks and end up right next to me almost every time. At the street I had to turn right on to get on the freeway, we were both at a red light. I motioned for her to roll down her window like I had a question to ask. I said, "Congratulations! You almost hurt like 5 people in that last stretch of road, so you could beat everyone to a red light. You win the thoughtless jackass of the day award!" and you know what? I don't regret it.

Most of the time when I am negative or rude I am overcome with guilt. I feel horrible that I allowed my behavior to worsen due to the actions of others. But sometimes, mostly behind the wheel, I feel vindicated in my right to let someone else know that they need to stop being such a jerk. Logically I know it's not my job, but sometimes I make it my hobby. I need to get some better hobbies.

Happy picture of the day: my living room. I spend a ton of time in this room, and I love it very much. I also get a strange sense of pride in that I furnished my home so cute, on the cheap.