How I Know I'm Not A Follower

I think buttered popcorn is the work of the devil.

I think Krispy Kreme donuts are totally overrated.

I have never owned a pair of Uggs.

I don't think It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is funny.

I have not, nor will I ever, read The Hunger Games books. I will however tell you to see Battle Royale.

I only blow dry my bangs. My hair is rarely ever even brushed when I leave the house.

I think I should be able to choke people with their phone charms.

I think Cake and the remaining live members of Sublime should have a to the death grudge match, only there shouldn't end up being a victor. They should all perish.

I don't have a sports team, in any sport whatsoever.

I think the Lord of the Rings movies were garbage.

I love the Xanadu soundtrack.

I would rather listen to ELO or REO Speedwagon than most *performers* currently on the radio.

I have never owned anything made by Juicy brand, and I think that whole label is tragic.

I think it's fun to talk about poop at dinner parties.

These are some of the many things that let me know I don't go with the flow.

Me waiting for a cab a few weeks back when it was taking way too long. I sent it to my friend Lauren to let her know I should've just gotten a ride with her. It's probably the cutest self portrait taken of me in forever, even though I'm totally making a fooch face.

Breaking Rules

So I went out last night with Dave and had a great time. Upon my first trip to the restroom I spotted a piece of discarded gum in the wastebasket. After washing my hands I ran out to Dave and was muttering, mostly to myself but out loud, how I might have to break my "no cell phones in the bathroom" rule to take a picture of said gum. He looked at me like I was insane, which is kind of true, so I paid him no mind. So as I sat there arguing aloud to myself for about five minutes, I realized I had to do it. You are welcome.



Now all I can think of is, "How did that gum come out of someone's mouth in that exact shape? Did a tweaker take it out of their mouth then sculpt it that way?" Kianwi and I argued that perhaps Barbie got mad and hacked it off of Ken, but then Kianwi said that would make Ken's penis ginormous. I agreed and said it must be old school GI Joe peen. This is how my mind works. Be glad you don't have my brain.

Oh The Polybilities!

Shut up! I love puns, man.

So I have been conversing with mister missed connections and all signs point to being acquaintances but nothing more. The separation between he and his wife is too new and they seem to do a lot of backsy forthsy middle school break up and get back together stuff. So not interested in becoming any part of those shenanigans. But apparently SOME backsy forthsy stuff is fine since I have agreed to meet up with Dave (Unicorn) to discuss the possibility of us perhaps rekindling our romance.

I am so not a fan of the break up and make up mentality. Either stick it out and make it work, or break up with a clean break and move the eff on. But with Unicorn we broke up 'cause he couldn't do the only seeing me once a week and the distance was difficult for him. With the idea that he can see me AND other people coming to light, he is willing to give it another shot, so I am as well. I am hopeful yet cautious. Cautious because I wanted so badly to try and make it work last time, and he was very sure he couldn't carry on with the long distance thing. We shall see.

I apologized for the mean blog post about him continuing to text me, but as it was the only thing that worked it served its purpose. I was very angry when I wrote it and don't regret having done it at all, but it was a mean and angry post. I can be a bitch when I wanna be. :)

I can not even BEGIN to tell you how many times I have been singing, "It's Raining Men" in my head over the past day or so. Did I mention he's grown a beard ANDYOUALLKNOWIHEARTMESOMEBEARDSANDGLASSES!

Welcome back Unicorn. Let's see how it goes this time around you sexy beast. I love the sad, pouty face.

So Apparently I'm The One Who Got Away

I don't read Craigslist ads. But my friend Marcella does. She texted this to me on Sunday night because she knew it was about me. It's someone I dated 14 years ago. Apparently I've got it like that.

I thought it was pretty cute and touching. Then I felt like I was in a bad romantic comedy. If Tom Hanks jumps out of the bushes I'm shanking him. I've been emailing back and forth with the guy who posted it. We're going to hang out Friday. Weird stuff. (I'm really trying to ignore the your, you're thing, and the random lack of capitalization as I think he posted it from his iPhone. I know, I'm an ass. I'm working on it).

Applying For Jobs Is Worse Than Dating

I have been steadily applying for employment for well over six months, and have only gotten one interview. Noticing this and being the go for it bitch that I am, I decided to start playing the game. I now alter my application according to what I'm applying for rather than just being honest. Also, I have started writing cover letters. I thought I'd copy and paste one here for your amusement.

May 10, 2013

Re: SSMI

To Whom It May Concern,

I'm contacting you in regards to the SSMI position at the Department of Motor Vehicles. I am very interested in interviewing for the position.

My relevant qualifications include: four years of supervisory experience in after school programs, contract and program monitoring,  reviewing and submitting school board items and waivers, budget monitoring, and procurement. I was responsible for tracking a Federal Grant budget while at the California Department of Public Health (CDPH) and was also the training coordinator there. I also was solely responsible for completing purchase order requests, reviewing and sending out the purchase order, checking in items when they arrived, and paying the invoices for said purchases while at CDPH.

I have many qualities that would make me a great candidate for this position. I am a good listener and am solutions oriented. I have a keen ability to multi-task and make sure that I meet deadlines. I also am a people person and am interested in seeking out the strengths in my employees to make their tasks more manageable. I try and make every day in the cubicle as enjoyable as possible for everyone. I believe a smile and an encouraging word can make the workplace more productive and a place people want to come to when they get up in the morning.

With my skill set and proven track record, I can be a valuable addition to the Department of Motor Vehicles. I can be reached for an interview at your convenience.

Thanks in advance for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

Melanie *****

 

Seriously, if this part didn't make you want to stab yourself in the face, I don't know why you even read my blog: "I try and make every day in the cubicle as enjoyable as possible for everyone. I believe a smile and an encouraging word can make the workplace more productive and a place people want to come to when they get up in the morning." *H U R L*

Happy picture of the day. Deja, my badass pit bull. And by badass I mean bad and asshole. But I still love her. Of course, I had to click this picture before making a stern face and yelling, "Bad dog. Get off the couch!"

I couldn't center the picture and just gave up. Much like I've given up trying to keep her ass off the couch.

April Movies

It's been a while since I've done a movie post, so here goes. Also, you must know that I watched far too many movies so far in April.

Celeste & Jesse Forever - I loved this movie. Had wanted to see it since it came out. I love how their friends freak out because they've been separted six months but are still best friends. And I definitely think you need time apart before you can come back and be friends after any relationship. This movie addresses just that.

Chicken and Plums - A great movie with surreal camera shots and a great plot. I believe it's the same folks who brought us Persepolis, but I'm not positive.

The Giant Mechanical Man - A sweet and interesting movie. If you're in the mood for something that will make you smile, this is it.

Hysteria - It's about the invention of the vibrator, and it's hilarious. It also lends thought to how ridiculous medical history is. They would manually stimulate women who were in "hysterics." Yep, that's science!

Smashed - Probably the most realistic movie I've seen to date dealing with alcoholism. Plus, it has Aaron Paul in it. You should watch it just for him. But the female star, whom I'd never seen before, does a stand out job.

Brian Posehn: The Fartist - The man is hilarious, without a doubt.

Meet The Fokkens - 69 year old twin prostitutes in Amsterdam. One of my favorite documentaries to date.

Beauty is Embarrassing - Wayne White is a genius, and he's hilarious. He designed a lot of the set and the characters for PeeWee's Playhouse. I'm madly in love with this man.

Evil Dead - Hell no it can't compare to the first one. And I wouldn't have even gone and seen it if Raimi and Campbell hadn't produced it. It was entertaining plus we saw it at the drive-in where the people watching was AMAZING. There was a huge lady drinking a deuce of Olde E through a straw. That's hella classy yo!

Django Unchained - I thoroughly enjoyed it in spite of the fact that Leonardo DiPooprio was in it. A very entertaining film.

Oldboy - By the director who did I'm A Cyborg But That's Ok. Very good film. I watched it because I heard Spike Lee is coming out with a remake of it soon, and I wanted to see the original before I saw Spike Lee's version, which I'm betting will be very good.

Well that's it folks. I watched a ton more but these are the ones I think you need to see.

Happy picture of the day: I can't figure out if she looks like a sausage in this picture, or a cow dog. All I know is she is seriously the best dog ever and I am lucky to have her.

I Am Now A Proud Doggy Momma

After a few years of toiling with the idea of having a dog, I finally decided to take in a pit bull. Her name is Deja. I am both excited and nervous at the prospect of being a dog mommy. I mean, cats are easy. You just feed them and pet them now and then and *poof* you are an awesome cat momma. A dog requires daily walks, more vet visits, and WAY more attention. It's as close to having a child as I'll ever get. I know it's nothing like having an actual child, but it is more akin to being a parent than just having cats, that's for darn sure.

Now I can't just take off for a weekend and put extra food and water in bowls. I actually have to find a dog sitter. That is the reason I put off having a dog for so long. I didn't want to have to deal with being tethered to my home every weekend. But I figure this will save me money, and make me act far more grown up. 'Cause let's face it, I'm 38 going on 12 most of the time.

The dog has been my niece's since she was a pup. My niece just moved in to an apartment and has to keep her crated all day. She finally decided that wasn't fair so she needed to find the doggy a home. I couldn't bear to see Deja go with someone we didn't know. This way, if Ashlee ever gets a house more fitted to having a dog, she can have Deja back. I had Ashlee bring her over on Saturday. She has lived with cats before but I wanted to see if she interacted with or went after them. The cats are going to be pissed at me for about a month, but they'll get used to it.

While I'm at work the doggy door will be closed and Deja will have the run of my huge backyard. I have a shed with a doggy bed in it should she need shelter, and plenty of shade from the trees. She is a little portly as is the habit of folks who live in my home, so the extra exercise will do her well. The kitties will get used to being cooped up in the house all day. It'll give them respite from that new large creature who is invading their space.

So hesitantly I have agreed to be the new protector, care giver, and lover of this beautiful creature. I am very, very scared that I won't do a good job. I feel like maybe I'm not responsible enough to be in charge of another living being that isn't as easy to take care of as a cat. What's funny is she will be making me domestic more than I am her. I look forward to the rewards, and troubles, of being a new dog mommy.

This is Deja, and I'm already madly in love with her.