I Am Now A Proud Doggy Momma

After a few years of toiling with the idea of having a dog, I finally decided to take in a pit bull. Her name is Deja. I am both excited and nervous at the prospect of being a dog mommy. I mean, cats are easy. You just feed them and pet them now and then and *poof* you are an awesome cat momma. A dog requires daily walks, more vet visits, and WAY more attention. It's as close to having a child as I'll ever get. I know it's nothing like having an actual child, but it is more akin to being a parent than just having cats, that's for darn sure.

Now I can't just take off for a weekend and put extra food and water in bowls. I actually have to find a dog sitter. That is the reason I put off having a dog for so long. I didn't want to have to deal with being tethered to my home every weekend. But I figure this will save me money, and make me act far more grown up. 'Cause let's face it, I'm 38 going on 12 most of the time.

The dog has been my niece's since she was a pup. My niece just moved in to an apartment and has to keep her crated all day. She finally decided that wasn't fair so she needed to find the doggy a home. I couldn't bear to see Deja go with someone we didn't know. This way, if Ashlee ever gets a house more fitted to having a dog, she can have Deja back. I had Ashlee bring her over on Saturday. She has lived with cats before but I wanted to see if she interacted with or went after them. The cats are going to be pissed at me for about a month, but they'll get used to it.

While I'm at work the doggy door will be closed and Deja will have the run of my huge backyard. I have a shed with a doggy bed in it should she need shelter, and plenty of shade from the trees. She is a little portly as is the habit of folks who live in my home, so the extra exercise will do her well. The kitties will get used to being cooped up in the house all day. It'll give them respite from that new large creature who is invading their space.

So hesitantly I have agreed to be the new protector, care giver, and lover of this beautiful creature. I am very, very scared that I won't do a good job. I feel like maybe I'm not responsible enough to be in charge of another living being that isn't as easy to take care of as a cat. What's funny is she will be making me domestic more than I am her. I look forward to the rewards, and troubles, of being a new dog mommy.

This is Deja, and I'm already madly in love with her.

Kids These Days

Kianwi over at Simply She Goes got me to thinking about all of the stuff most kids miss out on, that I had fun doing, when I was a young child.

Do kids these days know what base in "hide and seek" is? Have they ever played hide and seek? Do they know what it's like to say that the boundaries are Lisa's house on the one side and Mark's house on the other? Then, when their friend goes outside the boundaries cheating do they call him out? I often wonder because of the focus kids seem to have on tv, computers, electronic handheld devices, and video games, what real outdoor play kids experience these days.

I remember going to Toys R Us and finding the huge cage with the bouncy balls with the handles on them. That would be my transportation down the aisles, much to the dismay of other shoppers. I'm quite sure I squished a toe or two with my hyper childhood self bouncy bounce bouncing down the aisles looking at toys. I would beg for the smash 'em crash 'em Hot Wheels cars, and the ride-in Jeep that looked like Daisy Duke's.

I remember being so spoiled that I would complain about my back pedal brakes on my Big Wheel. The Dukes of Hazzard came out with one with a hand brake, and you could do donuts with that one. God dammit I wanted that one!

If you told a kid to get their Sit N Spin, they would think you were yelling some sort of insult. They surely don't go outside to play kickball in the street with bases made of napkins and paper plates, and beg their parents to stay out until the street lights go on. Their dinner won't be THAT cold, they plead.

The fancy kids got the real slip and slide. We made one out of large black garbage bags and lawn darts. And since the water hose alone didn't let you go fast enough, we added some dish soap. Dad would get mad when we denied the soap use, since it killed the lovely yard of grass he worked so hard to keep up.

I'm pretty sure kids these days have never jumped off of the roof of a house in to a 4 foot above ground pool. Because god forbid you brake a bone or get some stitches playing outside. That's just not allowed anymore. I remember my sister running headlong trying to beat me to "base" which was a neighbor's tree. She split her lip and required stitches. We all laughed about it later. Coming home with a ripped knee and grass stains were par for the course. Is it even necessary that laundry soap remove grass stains anymore?

Besides organized sports I'm pretty sure most kids are missing out on the parts of my childhood that made it so great. Kids only play in the streets when there isn't a pocket park nearby. Kickball is probably only played as part of P.E. And forget about that awesome dodgeball, which is banned in a lot of schools as a target game *sigh*.

I feel sorry for kids these days. They might have access to more knowledge at their fingertips via the internet and know what a family member across the country is doing, but do they know how to patty cake or do cat's cradle? Can they make a Chinese jump rope out of rubber bands? I'm pretty sure they can't, and I feel sorry for them because of it.

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Diarrhea of the Keyboard

First off, I get to leave work early for Easter, which I find kind of strange as the man releasing us is Jewish. Thank you zombie Jesus!!

I am reading all of your blogs. However, for some reason I can't comment on this computer and sometimes the Blogger app on my phone won't let me comment either. The man is trying to keep me down, and I can't make useless unfunny comments that make me laugh on blogs. This is quite maddening.

I had to stop with the Prozac because it made me terribly depressed and I didn't want to be around other humans. They are going to try Zoloft next. I say just give me my damn Xanax and let me be. But I will keep trying their crappy meds until I perhaps find one that helps.

I told Charles we should take a break for a while as getting to see each other was getting to be a hassle. He has a lot of stuff going on in his life so I wanted to let him concentrate on that. I figure if we're meant to be together it'll happen somewhere down the line.

Sean and I are still going strong and I am pretty sure I will be with him the rest of my life. Unless he dies of course. Then I'll just be with him the rest of HIS life. Either way, things are awesome and I love him to pieces.

I got to go to the Santa Cruz house last weekend and it was amazing. We went to watch a band play and there were tons of blue hairs dancing at Bocci Cellar. It was THE BEST! One lady out there had to be in her 90s. I fell madly in love with her. Then we hung out in a smokey dive bar and made fast friends with the regulars. Both nights we were in bed by 9. Sean got to come with me. We had a fantastic weekend.

I've been hosting couch surfers pretty regularly and been having fun with it. I actually made a really good friend in Kris (the guy from England) and we text each other at least a few times a week. I miss him.

Okay, I really didn't have much to say I just wanted to get some stuff outta my head. Hope you are all doing well.

Happy picture of the day: the poster for the new Star Trek movie. I swear I've been waiting for this movie to come out forever. So excited!

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Music

It's been a lot of pretty mellow, calming stuff lately. So here's a playlist of what crazy ladies who are trying to be patient listen to:

Nick Drake - Place To Be

The Finches - Lay

Radhiohead - There There

Does It Offend You, Yeah? - Broken Arms

The XX - Islands

New Order - Thieves Like Us

Sam Cooke - A Change Is Gonna Come

Jawbreaker - Basilica

The Beach Boys - Hang On To Your Ego

Deerhunter - Desire Lines

I'm going to Santa Cruz this weekend for a much needed break with Sean amongst the trees and ocean. Thank goodness.

Happy picture of the day: Band Of Horses. I finally get to see them next month in Oakland. I am extremely excited!

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Oh Glorious Side Effects

So it's been exactly two weeks since I started my lovely journey on Fluoxetine aka generic Prozac. I know that it takes about 4-6 weeks before you notice if it is helping or not, so I am trying to be patient. Luckily, that patience is being hindered by some pretty shitty side effects. Last Wednesday and Thursday I had dry mouth so bad I had to constantly swish water around in my mouth or it felt disgusting. Also, because of the lack of saliva my tongue was chewed up as were the sides of my mouth. Way to make someone feel like a tweaker, meds! I powered through it even though all I really wanted to do was stop taking the stuff. It also leaves me with really dry eyes so they are light sensitive, and cold extremities. I have been sitting at my desk in my Snuggie a lot. The side effects are much lessened today, but are still going on. They aren't nearly as bad as they were last week so I am thankful for that.

On the bright side, I don't have some of the side effects I've read about or had friends tell me about. One friend couldn't have an O for a month. Of course as soon as I heard this I had to test it out right away and thank the stars, I am not having THAT problem. Seriously, I'd rather have borderline OCD anxiety disorder than not have orgasms. For reals.

Head pain: I am really glad that's not one of my side effects. It's bad enough that I'm drowsy and cranky for now, add head pain to that and I just might be the most miserable person ever at work. It may have turned to violence. So thank goodness I haven't had headaches or any of that such nonsense.

Diarrhea: Dude, it causes dry mouth, dry eyes, constipation OR the runs? What kind of drug is this. I always love when you hear on commercials, "May cause drowsiness or insomnia." What the fuck? They told me to take it in the morning 'cause it may cause insomnia. Shit puts me to sleep so I don't have that problem. Or the runs. I don't think on top of having to admit I need meds, I need to admit I depend on Depends. I'm just not ready for that step in life yet.

Ringing in the ears: This would suck balls. It's bad enough I have the chills almost constantly or I feel like my skin is crawling. Add to that ringing in the ears and I'd act even more mental than I already do. Hell, I'd finally get fired more than likely. "Umm, do you guys hear that? Is it time for recess? What's going on?" No thanks.

Hair loss: Now here's one I could actually use. I have more hair than anyone I've ever met. Why can't I ever get a HELPFUL side effect like hair loss? Okay, I got the one that helps me sleep more, so there's that. Still, a little hair falling out after a shower would be welcomed. Got that drug company?

Confusion: I have suffered from this side effect my whole life. People confuse me on a daily basis. But now that I'm on meds it's awesome that I can totally blame it on the Prozac. "Huh? I don't get it. Must be the meds." *high-fiving self* I am usually anti high-five as it's hello broey. But that doesn't count when it's a self high-five. Shut up! It doesn't!

Anyways, I look forward to the day when the shitty side effects are a thing of the past and I get to see whether or not I am actually getting any of the rewards of finally being on meds. Now when people say stuff like, "Is that bitch on Prozac?" I can resoundingly yell, "Why yes! Yes, I am!"

Happy picture of the day: Michonne. She is one of my favorite television characters in recent history.

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On The Lighter Side

In the interest of lightening things up a bit I thought it was a good idea to share with you an email and text back and forth I had with several friends yesterday. It cracked me up. Knowing my sense of humor, it'll probably just make you turn your head sideways and say, "What the hell is she talking about???" but that's ok.

My friend Ally sent me this picture and said, "These are called monkey orchids. They really look like monkeys!"

I replied, "Actually, they look like a kitten fetus with a hard on, but we all know I'm crazy."

I then texted the picture to my best friend Christina and said, "Umm, these look like cat fetuses with a boner."

She replied, "Totally. Cat fetuses with a boner...wearing bonnets."

I answered, "I knew you would get it. I just knew it. Thank you."

I went to the restroom and came back and wrote to her, "Now all I can think are a bunch of guys in a botanist flower naming convention, and there's this one outcast named Bob. They have these flowers in the middle of the table and he's like, 'Those look like cat fetuses with a hard on, but I'm pretty sure no one wants to buy cat fetus hard on orchids.' So everyone votes it down and agrees they look enough like monkeys to go ahead and go with that."

She wrote back, "I wonder if Bob named the Stinkbird flower."

I said, "No, if Bob named it it would've been the Shocker or the Stinkfinger. Kenny named the Stinkbird."

Then I texted the picture to my friend Jasson and said, "Monkey, or kitten fetuses with a hard on wearing a bonnet?"

He laughed and wrote back, "Haha! Boner bonnet!"

I wrote back, "Ooooh, I'm gonna make you one. Then I'm going to draw a face on the head of your dick and we are going to record penis puppet theater. It'll go viral! But I hope your penis doesn't go viral. 'Cause that would be bad."

I am fully convinced I should do some sort of YouTube sketch comedy show. But I never will, 'cause I don't have the motivation to follow through with anything, ever.

Well Howdy Do

I am going to make a conscious effort to post and read blogs at least once a week. I needed a break very badly and I got it, and now I'm in a much better space.

Truth be told I had a very bad nervous breakdown Saturday before last. It involved binge drinking, crying, and waking up with bruises which I had no idea where they came from. And that was what prompted me to finally admit I needed help. I needed help and I needed to be on medication regularly. So I did it. I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac. Unfortunately, they decided to put me on 20 mg. which made me in to a god damned basket case. So by last Saturday I could barely speak and my vision was blurry. I obviously stopped taking them. Went in for a follow-up appointment on this past Monday and was put on 10 mg. I take them every night with dinner. They make me very sleepy but that is the only side effect so far. I'm hoping that will taper off as my body gets used to the meds. In happy news, I'm too damned tired to be anxious. (That's humor y'all. Laugh).

I am really happy that I have supportive friends in my life who I can laugh about being on my "crazy" pills with and who love me no matter what. I am happy I finally stopped being stubborn and thinking I had to be strong enough to conquer this shit without medication. I'm not strong enough. I am physically exhausted from battling with my never ending, running nonstop brain. I know it will take 4-6 weeks for me to see the effects of my medication so I'm being patient, and patience is NOT one of my strong suits. Shocker, I know.

I am putting this out there because being on medication is nothing to be ashamed about. If you talk to someone you know because you decided you needed some help, and they are anything but 100% supportive, run the other direction. True friends don't judge. And people that really love you don't make you feel bad because you admit that you just can't do life the way you always have, if it's not working anymore. I couldn't. And I'm glad I had Sean to cry to and who understood when I yelled at him, "I can't fucking do this anymore! I can't take it and I need help."

So I got help. And I'm hopeful. And I know that this is the hardest decision I have ever made, and I have made some pretty damned hard decisions. And I'm proud of myself. And nothing that anyone says or does can make me feel any less about myself because I am now on Prozac. And if in a month or two I don't see it helping I will try something else, and then something else, until I find something that works for me. I won't give up until I find it. Because living like I had been just wasn't working. I was a really good faker at pretending things were great, and I was fine, and things were hunky dory. But they weren't. They still aren't, but I have faith they will get there again.

Thanks to all the blogger friends who have emailed me in my blogging absence. You are all amazing and wonderful people. Thanks for letting me know you were thinking about me.

Kris has gone back to the UK. He left Wednesday and I already miss him. He was a great houseguest and when he comes back to the states I told him he is more than welcome to move in with me. I had my house concert and I was kind of a basket case as it was the day after my meltdown, but I powered through it with my head on Sean's shoulder and made the best of it. Life is going to get better. I am glad I made the decision I did.

Happy picture of the day: This is me with Kris and the boy he met and fell madly in like with, Tre. I have two new friends for life, and I'm glad for it.