It took me many years to realize that my mom did the best she could. She had had a very damaging childhood. The grammy that I loved dearly, was a horrible mother. I know that now. Some people bounce back from childhoods like that, and others do not. Having a parent who constantly discounts everything you think is valuable, and when you think you've accomplished something good, can be crushing. I know, because that is how my childhood was. If I got an A, it was expected. If I got a C, I was belittled and berated until I cried, and then was yelled at, "What are you going to do now, cry?" I was never physically abused by her. But I know for a fact that would have been easier to deal with. She raised her hand to me once, open palmed. I raised a fist back at her and looked her in the eye with what I'm sure was a look pretty close to hatred and said, "If you do it, I will hit you back. Only you hitting me won't hurt as much as my hitting you back will." She knew I was telling the truth, and never raised a hand to me again. There was zero positive reinforcement in my household, which is why I think I'm so big on giving it to others today.
Since my grandmother passed I have seen a new side to my mom. A side that I know is there because she does not want us to feel about her, the way she felt about her mother, when she died. Don't get me wrong, she loved her mom and was a dutiful daughter to the very end. But she also had many bad things to say about how her mom was when they were growing up. A lot of the same things that I have to say about her when we were growing up. A few weeks back as I was leaving my house I hugged my dad goodbye per usual, and was walking away as my mom yelled out, "Hey, what about me?" I hugged her but it was unnatural. She isn't a "hugger." It was weird. I texted my sister, "Mom just asked me for a hug. I think I may see a pig in the air on the way home." Then on Easter I hugged everyone and as I was walking away she said, "Where's mine?" and I was honest. I said, "You know, this hugging thing is new from you. You have to give me a while to get used to it." I have watched my aunt hug my mom for years, thinking it was funny 'cause you could tell how uncomfortable it made my mother. I for one never found that funny. If something makes someone uncomfortable, I would never do it on purpose. Well, except for sending the video link to She's Like The Wind to my best friend, who can't stand Patrick Swayze. But that's different! I also am VERY touchy feely. I took my childhood and flipped it. My girlfriends who are comfortable get huge smooches on the mouth. The ones who aren't get hearty hugs. Boyfriends always get snuggles and touches and me finding non-verbal ways to say, "Hey, I see you. I care about you." I want to make sure that no one in my circle ever doubts how much I care about them. In that regard, I know I sometimes overdo it, but I don't care. Anyone who thinks there is such a thing as too many hugs, probably wouldn't last long in my friend circle anyways.
My mom has said "I love you" to me exactly once in my life. I was standing in line in the courthouse. I had been sentenced and was turning in my paperwork and fees. I got a text, "Good luck. I love you." I love you by text. The lamest way to get it. But I burst in to tears right there in line. I know how hard that was for her to do.
I now realize my mom did the best she could. I no longer hold the resentments and anger I did for her for so long. I'm disappointed in myself that I held on to that toxic shit for so long. How much time people waste focusing on the horrible things, or the reasons they are totally validated in acting shitty! I never want to be that person again. And I really hope that my mom continues to grow until her last moments on earth. It really makes you feel better, and more at peace, to just let go and try to be a better person. I want that for her. I want her to stop stressing about shit that doesn't matter. Hell, I want to be able to stop stressing about shit that doesn't matter myself. But I want it more for her. She has no friends that she didn't meet at work. I want her to spend the rest of her time here on the planet feeling that I love her, and I appreciate what she did for me, which looking back was a lot.
Happy picture of the day: cheap groceries! I got everything there on the counter for around $20. I got lavender and flax seed for cooking, apples, garlic, a pork roast, tortillas, beans, butter, an onion, and avocados. I love bargains and yummy whole food.
It's hard, that relationship with parents. I don't have one at ALL with my dad and even though I'm really close with my mom, it's hard. She is very dependent on my for so many things (even though she says she's not) and I had to put away a lot of resentment and bitterness years ago to simply carry on.
ReplyDeleteEven though it sucks and you expect more from a parent, in the end, they're simply flawed people like we are. Once we can accept that that can't be changed, we can go ahead and move forward with our relationships with a more open mind and heart. We all have our issues--some are dealbreakers and others are simply things to work through--and we all have to make the choice on what we want to invite in our life.
I'm glad you're at an okay point with things. :)
I never met my birth father and just this past year found out he had died in 2008. I really wish I could've at least had one conversation with him, as I am told I am just like him.
ReplyDeleteMy stepdad, whom I call dad, was my savior. He was strict and stern, but he was loving. He let me climb in his lap. He was always there with a hug.
I love my mom dearly. We are actually quite close now. Watching her go through my grandma's death was one of the hardest parts of that process. When she went to the funeral sans make up (this is a woman who won't walk to the mail box without a full face of make up on) I knew she was hurting.
I see it like my job is to just love her unconditionally, like I expect all my friends to do for me. If I can't do that, I'm not the person that I need to be.
wow, very similar to what I was going to write about today but you are obviously more...I cant think of the word so I will just say you are a better person than I am. Good for you for being able to just be the better person and deal with it. I am still struggling with how to do that
ReplyDeleteIf there is one thing I have learned, it is that you NEVER compare yourself to where someone else is in regards to dealing with certain issues. I am not a better person than anyone. I have just spent the last several years working my ass off to try and be a good person. I honestly think I am not naturally a good person most of the time. I have to work at it.
ReplyDeleteIt is a really hard struggle and I know you can come to a place of peace if and when you want to. If you're still at that place of anger, there is NOTHING wrong with that. It's part of the cycle of healing. You're right where you're supposed to be. You'll be some place more healthy when you're meant to. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to be pissed and hate your parents for a while. But then it's necessary to take my mom's advice and "get over it."
There's nothing worse than a grown woman who blames why she is not a good person, on her upbringing. I always say, "There will always be someone who has been through way more than you, who rose above and accomplished way more." It's what keeps me motivated. Chin up lady! You're doing what you can. And that's okay.
I am very touched by your post. It reminds me that despite all of the dreadful things that may occur, life is certainly much too short to live it with a frown. I hope that you continue to grow stronger with each day that passes.
ReplyDelete-Barb the French Bean
Oh Im a good person but it is in spite of my upbringing
ReplyDeleteThat's a very open post. The honesty is commendable. I'm not nearly in touch enough with my feelings to do what you did with your mom, let alone write about it.
ReplyDeleteIf you can write a book or teach a course on how to let go of resentment, you would have a whole new self-help industry that might solve a lot of our problems.
That really was/is an amazing post. Thank you for sharing it. I have to call my mom now.
@The Beans,
ReplyDeleteThanks lady. I try.
@Trixie,
I refuse to look at it that way because I don't want to be bitter. If I am bitter the bad people win. I really try to not be angry or bitter about my past. What's done is done. Why dwell on it? I choose to instead focus on the good in my mother. Like obviously I had food and shelter, or I wouldn't even be here. It's easy to sit back and judge. I know I can't, because I've done horrible things to people too, they just weren't my kids. I also choose to focus on the present, as that is really all I have control over. How I act right now is what will make me be able to look myself in the mirror and say, "You're alright, lady." I myself wouldn't be able to do that if I wasn't willing to move forward. I'm not saying that you should do any of this. I'm just saying what is right for me, as that is all I am certain of. What others do and how they choose to live, is none of my damn business.
@Pickleope,
I'm gonna do it, "Letting go of resentment, while still wanting to bust someone's face open half the time." I'm sure people are already signing up in advance. :)
Believe it or not, I needed that post today! My mom has been sick since she was very young. Actually, she was diagnosed after I was born and blamed my brother and I for her being sick. I try to remember she's sick, but it's hard sometimes when you're constantly shit on. Today was a rough day with her.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe all that you went through as a child! My mother was very similar to yours when it came to coldness. But I never experienced the things you've been through. You're so strong and I'm so lucky to know you!!
P.S. I've never hugged my mom either. But that's ok, she shows her affection in other ways now. It's like yelling is a term of endearment. hahahaha
I'm glad I could help Jax.
ReplyDeleteMy mom blamed me because my father was a POS. She never realized, "I chose an asshole" she more just saw me as the offspring of the asshole. My older sister who is the offspring of her first hubby who died of cancer (but was still a philandering jerk) can do no wrong. She lives in a trailer and works at Wal-Mart, yet the sun shines out of her ass. So weird the way people choose to look at things.
I totally get you on the yelling as a term of endearment. I have that relationship with my boss. This morning she said I need to remind her about something and I said, "So the six verbal, and four written reminders weren't enough? Should I have an airplane fly overheard with a banner? 'Cause I'm gonna need a budget for that."
Very touching post. I can't say I can relate. I think I had a decent relationship with my mom (most of the time) I was the baby of the family and lots of affection was and still is poured out.
ReplyDeleteI am really impressed that you are able to talk about this so openly. Once again, you are an inspiration!
I think having zero shame about my past is really nice. It allows me to say things that most people wouldn't. Some would say I overshare or whatever, but those people can go ahead and not read.
ReplyDeleteThanks a ton Heather. I really appreciate your kind words.