On Being Authentic

Sometimes I wish that average, was good enough for me. I watch other people who are perfectly content in relationships that are described as "fine" or "he's a decent guy" and I really think that might be where it's at. But I can't do that. Last night Rich and I broke up. We broke up not because I hate him, or because he cheated, or because he was horrible. That would've made it easier. We broke up because we are at two completely different places in life. He is unable to say he's going to do something, and follow through. There is a fine line between compromise and settling, and I had finally wandered over in to settling territory. I won't get in to details, or bad mouth him in any way. Our relationship had super fun times, and it had some bad times. I am extremely sad today, but I'm also relieved. We broke up while holding hands, and my head resting on his shoulder. He told me, "You are amazing. Some day you will find someone who is everything you need them to be. I'm sorry I couldn't be him." We left with no hard feelings. Just a promise that after a few months maybe one of us would call the other to go check out some art, or share a meal. But for now, we need that separate time. I most certainly don't want to be one of those women who makes the mistake of using him for a cuddle buddy or make out partner. That's not fair, and I won't do it. There is a lot about him I'm going to miss, but there are more things about him that I WON'T miss. And I'll just leave it at that.

Most of the time I think I will never find a man who is my equal, and accepts me completely for who I am. That is what I need in order to be happy. I need someone who will look me in the eye, and meet me toe to toe, and not back down when we are having a disagreement. I need a sharing and a balance of power. And I am perfectly fine being single my whole life if I don't find that. I am good at nurturing, and making sure someone is cared for. But I'm also good at being alone and taking care of myself, when I have to.

In this blog I am not totally forthcoming about all of my mental issues, but it's not because I'm afraid or ashamed. It's because I don't want people to pity me. I also don't want a pat on the head because it truly is a miracle that I have a full time job and own a home, and get through life with the grace that I sometimes can achieve. It's really effing hard. So this one time I will be blatant about my head. I am in a constant state of extreme mood swing. I am in one moment totally happy, and the next moment terribly sad. I have so much anxiety about most things that it causes me to pull my hair out, or rub my hands raw. I have rammed my head in to walls in frustration, just trying to make it all stop or go away. I have trained myself to do the average every day things that most people take for granted, like watching a movie or reading a book. But sometimes I can't do that. I'm at a place of acceptance with my stuff. That's not to say that sometimes I don't think it sucks, and is really unfair. But I think everything happens for a reason. I was given all of these obstacles so that I didn't take things for granted. I try and look at it that way as much as I can. I can't always do it. I am trying to learn to reach out for help when I need it, but it's really tough. I am to the point where I am seriously considering meds. Probably not any time soon, but I'm at least not completely opposed to it right now. But that's today. Tomorrow could be totally different.

You'll notice if you're a daily reader that I seem to say one thing one day, and something different the next. It's not that I'm not speaking my truth, at the time. It's just that my truth changes so often sometimes I can hardly keep up with it. One day I'm appalled that someone is rude to a co-worker. The next day I'm being totally snarky to a co-worker. It is what it is.

I write this blog in order to drain my head. It is literally a tool like letting the pressure out of a balloon. I need all of this to go somewhere. It used to be in a journal, and now it's here. I am thankful that I get letters about it helping people, or making people smile. That is certainly a fantastic bonus. But I write this because I need to right now. And there may come a day when I no longer need it and *poof* it's gone.

The only guarantee I can make is that maybe you'll be able to say, "Damn, I thought I was crazy!" or even, "She has been through some shit and is still able to accomplish her goals. Life isn't so impossible."

Happy picture of the day: this is the picture off of the back of my Crockpot Cookbook. I kind of love Mable. And I am not going to lie, I totally want that shirt.