Hey lady who goes to Starbucks every day and doesn't have a reusable cup, you really chap my tushy! It's bad enough you more than likely whine about how you can't get new glasses for your kid, yet you spend 20 bucks a week on mediocre coffee. But throwing away a new paper cup every day? C'mon now!
Hey person who goes off on me because I don't vote in elections, you really chap my tushy! Yes, you punch a ballot once or twice a year and it's totally awesome you do a status update on Facebook saying why cancer is bad. You are doing the important work fighting against all of those staunch cancer supporters. And when you go to Walmart to buy your cheap electronics and then feed your family out of boxes, you make a really good point. I should get to the polls immediately!
Hey religious guy who thinks that everyone who doesn't believe what you do is going to hell, you really chap my tushy! I mean, do you really want heaven to be that crowded? And doesn't it seem like God would be better at bringing people to religion than you? You seem awfully prideful. I'm pretty sure that goes along with six other HUGE things you aren't supposed to be doing. Just sayin'.
Hey pc mofo who gets all up in arms 'cause I say a word you don't like, you really chap my tushy! Words only have the power you give to them. I do not use my "I'm not pc" stance as an excuse to be racist or hateful or get away with bullshit. I say seemingly horrendous things to the people I love and we laugh about it. I say what I say without apology, because it doesn't warrant an apology. If and when I say something hurtful to someone and THEY call me out on it I apologize and I mean it. It doesn't matter if my meaning wasn't to hurt. If someone I love feels hurt, I won't deny their feelings or try to explain why they shouldn't be hurt. It's called truly being a good person. Not using certain words doesn't make you a good person. It just makes you seem lofty and smarmy. Get over yourself.
Hey guy who says I don't have an anxiety disorder and all the issues I'm really open about having, because if I did I wouldn't function so well, you really chap my tushy! All I have to say to you is that you make me happy because you are obviously fucking crazier than I am for claiming to know anything about someone. I work my ass off to maintain a relatively sane existence and I'm proud of it. I have nothing to prove to you. What is it that you have to prove by being an idiot? Proving you're an idiot? Yay, you did it!!!
Hey person who claims to be open-minded but gets all huffy when people don't do things the way you think they should, you really chap my tushy! Do you even know what the definition of open-minded is? You claim a live and let live mentality, but really what you mean is, "Do what you want, as long as it is exactly what I do." Die in a fire. How's that for open-minded?
If you don't like this post don't blame me. Blame my cat Roxy. She is quite obviously the one who wrote this.
Your cat commandeers your computer to write stuff without your permission too? I thought it was just The Feline Dictator! The sheer quantity of hate mail she's sent to boy bands is terrifying.
ReplyDeleteOur cats may have a feline lesbian intercontinental love affair brewing!
Deletelol. your rants make me laugh. and you make MANY valid points!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteThe more truthful, the more I have to make light and laugh so I don't stab people in the face. :)
Roxy is Foxy!! And why did this post not include cats that take keyboard ransom really chap my tushy??
ReplyDeleteShe IS foxy.
DeleteI guess tushy chapping is goin' around!
I have no idea what it means to have one's tushy chapped! No idea at all. Is a tushy an arse? Is a chap a slap? Or, like, chafing?
ReplyDeleteYou don't vote in elections? WTF? I knew you were me!! I refuse to explain why anymore.
A tush is your rear end. To chap it means to rub it raw, like chapped lips. It means "you piss me off."
DeleteI don't explain anymore either. I rarely even talk about it.
Roxy is full of awesome. And so are you.
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks! She likes laying on the computer and the pinball game. Which I think is weird since she pretty much has her own couch.
DeleteHahahaha! Chap my tushy, is now my favourite phrase EVER!
ReplyDeleteYou should use it loudly and often!
DeleteI think I agree with you on every single one of these. I love how only a small percentage of people who claim to be open-minded really are.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the religion one made me think of this girl I once talked to who told me I was going to hell because I wasn't the same denomination as her. We believed all the same things, but I was of a slightly different denomination so that meant I was doomed to burn for eternity. You know, because God's that specific. Reminds me of this great Emo Philips joke.
>>>
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "DIE, HERETIC!" And I pushed him over.
So true. If you are really open-minded you don't have to talk about how open-minded you are all the time.
DeleteI LOVE Emo Phillips. He had such good timing. I saw a young kid in SF a few months back who had Emo Phillips hair and I lived him immediately.
*loved
DeleteAh, the.chapping of the tushy...so easy to do. Mine is feeling a bit raw from work today. How about people who want you.to do things for them because they "don't have time." Because, like, I have ALL kinds of it, right? Chapped.
ReplyDeleteLove the kitty pic! What a cutie,sweetie pie! And so generous to help you out :)
Don't get me started on lazy people at my job.
DeleteIsn't she the sweetest? Almost as good as a prize-winner choosing pooch! :)
Oh...my...God...if I was home, I'd be rolling on the floor and snorting beer out my nostrils...this is f***ing hilarious! I love your sarcastic sense of humor, I really do. Snort!
ReplyDeleteThanks beautiful lady! I always laugh because most of my posts are quite serious. In life I'm a huge goofball so every once in a while I like to let that side show.
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